Forgiveness is key…

So, it’s been a long while since I’ve posted. I’ve been having an extremely difficult time dealing with my diagnosis and all of the changes that Crps has caused in my life.

I guess I’m still grieving all of the losses. My. Ability to walk, dance, run, workout, drive, work…my independence…I have ALWAYS hated depending on anyone in any fashion.

Anyhoo…I am angry. Angry about the circumstances that caused my injury, angry at the company that didn’t maintain their property, angry at the host of fools that call themselves doctors that I have been forced to deal with (haven’t chosen my own MD yet)…angry Angry ANGRY!!!

Of course all of this anger isn’t helping my condition. Lately I have been working very hard on forgiveness. It is NOT easy. Not even a little. Part of me feels like forgiving is making the people who have had a hand in this mess less guilty. Effectively making it ok. NOTHING about this is ok, but all being angry is doing is making me hurt further, longer, more…and fueling a rage that I don’t want in my heart.

I’ve been working very hard to get myself back on some sort of schedule (it is a daily battle and dependent on my pain level at any moment) that includes meditation twice daily. This is quickly becoming quite the epic process, but since the doctors have seemingly given up and no one has an interest in my health returning, I’m taking the reigns and doing this my way.

Herbal teas and foods that are good for the nervous system, meditation, and when I can find/afford it eastern medicine techniques…

…ready to see where this path takes me because it’s time to shed the anger, get out from under the bureaucratic and greed driven bullshit and move forward to a better more healthy place.

Valerian to the rescue…?

I have read that it is believed that part of the reason thst crps patients don’t heal is because they don’t fall into REM sleep. On the rare night that I do sleep its for maybe 2 hours or so a night so I have forgotte what REM sleep and even dreaming feels like.

Tonight I was gifted with a box of SLEEPYTIME EXTRA tea (didnt know sleepytime came as ‘extra’). It has valerian root added to it.

Just brewed a cup and am waiting for it to cool. Im in dire need of rest an at least a moments respite from my pain. Cross your fingers and wish me luck…I will let you know how it goes.

Beyond that, today has just been another day of insane pain and im -as usual – ready to find relief.

Another sleepless night…and more things to worry about.

Work comp unexpectedly cut my pay benefit because ‘the system wasnt set up to deal with someone who works they way you do so they cant figure out how to pay you’ (essentially I was self employed but since I worked in the film industry,  I was hired like a contract worker – as all film industry people are – so I was technically working for a producton company)

They say they dont know how I should be paid. As a result of the pay cut, I now make less than what my monthly rent is. I literally have to choose between having food to eat or a roof over my head…lets not even discuss utilities, miscellaneous expenses related to the crps that work comp refuses to cover – like the fact that since I can not drive currently I have to pay for rides anywhere I may need to go – bills in relation to the care of my companion animals who I can  assure you I would be dead today without as  they’re pretty much the only live beings I see for months on end sometimes and are basically the only source of any joy I have these days. As well as clothing (which I need because I cannot tolerate the feel of anythin touching my leg)…I could go on and on…

I have no family to speak of to rely on and am basically on my own. I was very independent before I was injured. This of course forced me to apply for food stamps.  I was denied because I was told I make too much! Seriously?!?! I dont even make $700 A MONTH on work comp at this point! I have now been forced FAR BELOW the poverty line and it seems that there are no actual resources for people in my sitch.

Currently the only food I have access to is (literally) a couple of cups of dried beans, about a cup and a half of rice, 1/2 cup of almond milk. I hate asking for help like I said I have always been independent and self sufficient, but now I am goin to have to figure out how to get the help I desperately need…with zero resources to look at.

The stress and worry that seems to keep building and is never ending only makes me hurt worse.

There are lots of ways CRPS makes people hurt. some people hurt 24 /7 some people do OK and then have pain spikes I hurt 24 /7 and I have pain spikes so I sorta have the worst of both worlds in my opinion. I have been largely without treatment for about a year and I’ve been without medication for about a year as well since the medication makes me sick I am literally without any relief ever and I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore on top of all this BS from workmans comp. I’m just not sure my life is worth living at this point. I’m a tough girl I would never do anything that would be permanent if you know what I’m saying but I do see the benefit in not being around anymore. At least the pain would stop and I wouldn’t have to worry about how im going to survive day to day because I have no way to make money and the corruption of the policies of the governor of my state just makes things worse.

I’m told that the governor has hired one person who gets paid exclusively in tax payer funds (to the tune of over $200K) to rubber-stamp denied on every single workmans comp claim and all the work comp judges defer to him – so no matter what happens no matter how much you’re right no matter how much you deserve it – doesn’t matter that you paid into the system and by the way that’s what the workmans comp insurance is for you’re automatically going to be denied and because work comp is its own court system (for lack of a better description) there is no higher court to appeal to for justice. It is a very corrupt and broken system and desperately needs to be reevaluated.

It is a shame and just goes to show how how little our government and politicians really care about their constituents and really only care about lining their own damn pockets.

Tonight is the 10th night in a row I find myself unable to sleep. Yesterday I did nap for about 25 minutes before pain spikes in my leg and back woke me, but 25 minutes in days and days just doesn’t cut it.

Ok serously rant over…im going to see if I can find a destaction…

Im not dead…

I havent posted in a long while because I have been having a very difficult time adjusting to everythin CRPS. I had hoped that time would help but the longer I deal with this, the harder it becomes and the  harder things become, the angrier I seem to get…

Every day seems to hold new challenges and everything to do with workmans comp and everything in terms of the accident that caused me to have this condition is like a battle.

I have done everything that has been required of me, while they have stalled payments, denied treatments and meds, hindered or outright stopped what little treatment I was getting, bullied me about missing appointments when they purposely neglected to schedule transportation  and other things that basically boil down to dirty business  and political bs…thanks to our illustrious crooked Governor.  You can bet that if he or his loved ones were in a sitch similar to the one I currently find myself in, his new changes to the laws would change in a hot second.

It would be nice if just one thing would go smoothly instead of being a fight sending me into agonizing pain spikes.

I am miserable and just want to find a way to live my life as fully and meaningfully as possible now, although it seems that is an impossibility. Every plan I had for my life must change now and im not sure how my life will work out considering my current state.

Im working very hard to find some positive things to focus on so that I dont drown in the negative. I will attempt to post more, though I cant promise it will all be smiles and rainbows. I will try to throw something out to gain a giggle…or something. :-)

Anyway, that’s an update and proof that im still here…I will do my best to post again soon.

Never a break…

So I havent slept in days. Im just hurting too badly.  It takes me hours to get ready if I have to go anywhere, it literally takes HOURS to get ready bacause of how much pain I am in and the extreme sensitivities in my skin and leg/back. Today I had to go deal with legal stuff about the accident that caused me to develop crps. It was gruelling (just because of the toll bein around people and huring at the same time takes on me these days) & excruciating. Im home now and completly wiped outnand still I cant even nap. The less sleep I get, the more I hurt the more i hurt, he grumpier I get…what a shitty cycle I am trapped in. Will it ever end? Will I ever get better? How am I supposed to have a meaningful life now? *sigh*

When I amhurtin less, I will post somethin that has less of a resemblance whining than this one I’m just overwhelmed with how much I hurt and I cannot deal.

So I wanna jump outta my skin…

Today isnt a fantastic day. My leg and lower back of course are on fire and its makin me feel…just gross today.

I havent slept in days.
I’m completely keyed up, overwhelmed and emotonal.

Seems like the CRPS is in full effect today.

Im supposed to go to church tonight.  Its the only time I get to leave the house except for doctor’s appointments and I just dont think I have it in me to go.

This is no life…*sigh* I loathe feeling like this. :-/